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I Laughed So Hard I Cried #16
-----------------------------
David Johnson's Top Tens
------------------------
Note from Sandy Brockmann: This file was uploaded to the
Beginners' Forum on America Online by Joey Schober, Forum
Assistant. It is, by far, the funniest "I Laughed So Hard I Cried"
of all...
Note from Joey Schober: LOL, not Letterman, but Dave Johnson,
a friend of mine. These top 10's were taken from StarPort and
some rely on context, but hopefully y'all will enjoy them
anyway, :).
_________________________________________________________________
Why I'm NOT Dave Letterman...
"Okay, here now is tonight's top ten list... if I can find it."
<Shuffling papers> "I don't see the top ten. Huh? It's on the
desk somewhere?" <More shuffling> "The top ten IS here. Top ten
is NOT here."
Paul: "Top ten IS here. Doc is here. Doc is NOT here."
"Morty I don't see the top ten. Huh? It's not ready yet? Morty
says it's not ready." <Muffled screaming from backstage> "Is she
bringing it out? Barbara will have the list out momentarily...
MAN... You know Paul, if this were an airliner, we'd be flyin' on
fumes right about now."
<Paul laughs>
"Y'know, our lovely and talented Barbara Gaines had me over to
dinner last night."
Paul: "Did she really? What'd she serve?"
"I dunno, it was some kind of... I dunno, some kind of meat. A
meat dish."
<More muffled screaming from backstage>
Paul: "So it was like, what, steak or something?"
"Well I'm not sure. Of course, if the old saying is true, that
you are what you eat, then it must've been" <pause> "MOLE MEAT!"
<Wide eyed stare> "GAINES!"
Barbara: "I'm coming! Here!"
<Cut to hand-held camera, picture of Gaines emerging from
backstage tunnel with card. Cut back to desk>
"Hi there, nice to see you. Thank you very much. Miss Barbara
Gaines, ladies and gentlemen."
<Applause. Cut to Gaines lumbering back through darkened tunnel>
"Ooookay, here's tonight's top ten list, from the home office in
Lincoln, Nebraska. Tonight's catagory:"
TOP TEN DIFFERENCES PROVING THAT I'M NOT DAVE LETTERMAN
"Ahem... Number TEN:"
<Drum roll begins>
Number ten: Dave's writers work for money; mine work for grubs
and berries.
Number nine: Dave can't get Stevie Nicks on the show; I can
get her any damn time I want.
Number eight:
Paul: <Laughs> "So THAT'S the 'fabulous babe' you've been going
on about."
"That's right Paul. Nuts about me, too... 'She can't wait, she
can't wait,' she says. <Grin> I don't even know what it means...
Ahem, numberrr"
Number eight: After I'm through for the day, I retire to a quiet
apartment in Northern Virginia; Dave drives home to: <Photo of
house appears on screen, Connecticut address overlayed along
bottom>
Number seven: Johnson: Less Filling; Letterman: Tastes Great.
Number six: On the street, Dave's lively and witty personality
inpires fun and laughs among passing fans... Couriers try to lock
their bikes to me.
Number five: Dave regularly gives to charities; ("That's true,
y'know. A generous individual... Ah,") I give shiny trinkets to
Benny The Wino whenever I can get him to show me 'that vomit
trick.'
<Audience begins moaning, hissing>
<Laugh> "I know, I'm sorry you had to hear that. I apologize on
behalf of myself and the show. (Yeah, but then again, what DID ya
pay for the tickets?)"
Number four: <Pause> "Benny The Wino, Paul."
Paul: <Chuckle> "Personal friend of mine."
Number four:
Paul: "I thought he was over that now."
"Huh? What, being a wino?"
Paul: "Yea-"
"Or a G. E. executive? <Laugh> Yeeeah. Anyways, where were
we?"
Number four: As a hobby, Dave enjoys playing baseball. I enjoy
battling crime as famed superhero 'Figgy Pudding.'
<Bill Wendell, sobbing with laughter>
Number three: I once pursued a career in acting. Dave was in
that talking-car series, which pretty much proves he never did.
Number two:
Hal: "Excuse me Dave."
"Yes, Hal? It's our Director, Mr. Hal Gurtner, ladies and
gentleme-"
Hal: "'Scuse me, Dave, it's 'Gurnee.'"
"Right, Hal. What can I do for you?"
Hal: "Dave, I think we mixed something up on the list, there.
Number three..."
"Ohoho, right. I see. That's a difference between me and David
Hasselhoff. <Grimace> Yikes, imagine waking up as THAT guy...
Ahhh, NOW where were we? Uhhh,"
Hal: "Number two, Dave."
"Thaannk you, Hal."
Number two: Dave's being considered for the honor of replacing
Johnny as the Tonight Show host; I'm being considered for the
honor of replacing Larry Storch in 'F-Troop' reruns.
<Drum roll deepens>
And the number one top ten difference between me an' Dave...
LETTERMAN HAS A LIFE!
<Applause, mayhem>
"Thank you very much. Drive safely... Ahhh, we gotta pause here
for station identification, and then we'll be back with viewer
mail and plenty more, so"
<Applause sign lights, band starts playing 'Stranger' by Jefferson
Airplane>
_________________________________________________________________
"Welcome back to the show. Let's get right to the top ten, shall
we?"
Paul: "I thought we just did the top ten."
"Paul, please, DO try to come to rehearsal once in awhile."
<Grin>
Paul: "So that last one wasn't REALLY the top ten, then?"
"HMMMmmm well, let's just say it was sort of a hybrid of the top
ten and one of those 'Differences' bits we do from time to time."
Paul: "Sooo, in otherwords, since the last one wasn't funny,
you're going to try again."
"Well yeah, but-" <Frantic signalling from offstage> "Yes, I
know, I KNOW, we're running desperately short on time... Ahhh,
here's tonight's top ten list from the home office in Scottsdale,
Arizona. The category tonight:"
TOP TEN PARTY TIPS FOR A SWELL TIME AT DAVE'S
"Timely as today's headlines. Here we go. Number TEN:"
<Drumroll begins>
Number ten: Shoes and shirts required. Pants optional.
Number nine: Senior citizens get in for half price; free if I'm in the
will.
Number eight: No whining when it's your turn to peddle the
generator.
Number seven: If you drink heavily, we can't allow you
to drive - MY car.
Number six: Only steal what you can carry in
ONE trip.
Number five: Please avoid stairs and glass doors while
riding the cat.
Number four: Noise must be kept to a minimum until
ALL the neighbors have been clubbed senseless first.
Number three: To save time, please keep conversation with Mr.
Quayle restricted to just your drink orders.
Number two: Remember, there's plenty of pizza; don't horde the
Spuds-burgers.
<Drumroll deepens> "And the number one top ten tip for a swell
time:"
Hot babes in togas stay the night!
<Applause sign lights, band starts playing Fight for your Right
to Party>
"Commercial? Okay, we've got plenty more after this, so come on
back..."
_________________________________________________________________
Hi, I'll be your host for these proceedings. My name's Dave, and
by all means, please do feel free to call me Dave. By now I'm
sure you're saying to yourself: "Hey, what's going on here?"
Well, lemme fill you in on the deal...
What: Another StarPort P-p-p-party! (if you can call it that).
When: Sunday, August 27th, 12 noon. Where: [Censored in this rerun
on advice of Network attorneys] Why: To get together and compute
with other Apple BBSers, just like you!
By now I'm sure you're saying to yourself: "Maybe we shoulda got
the VCR instead of the computer-" but wait! If that's not a good
enough reason, let's take a look at tonight's Top Ten list, sent
to us from the home office in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma...
Tonight's category:
TOP TEN REASONS YOU NEED TO COME OVER THIS SUNDAY
10. FREE ALL-U-CAN-EAT PIZZA, ALL-U-CAN-DRINK BEER, ALL-U-CAN-FILL
BARF BAGS
9. I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP HAUL OUT UNSIGHTLY BAGS OF CASH FROM
BASEMENT
8. THE BIG "PS/2 PINATA"
7. IT'S MORE FUN AND REWARDING THAN SOME FALSE RELIGIOUS
CEREMONY, COMARADE
6. S.W.A.T. TEAM NEEDS MORE PRACTICE IN THIS PART OF TOWN
5. FIRST ONE TO TAP INTO NORAD AND LAUNCH MISSILE GETS A "BYTE
ME" T-SHIRT
4. OUR ANNUAL PIN-THE-LAWN-DART-ON-THE-CAT INVITATIONAL
TOURNAMENT
3. LATE EVENING MARSHMALLOW TOAST AS OVERLOADED WIRING BURNS
HOUSE FLAT
2. CHER, CHER, CHER!
And the number one Top Ten reason you should come by:
1. FINALLY, A CHANCE TO GET YOUR MITTS ON A SYSOP & LEARN 'EM
SOME MANNERS
<Band starts playing "It's My Party">
But seriously folks, we'd love to have ya. If you can, bring a
computer, or some Apple software (perhaps multi-player) and/or
your favorite joystick, if you have one, or (this is your cue,
Harry:) how about an RPG or two?! The only possible setbacks are
a relatively sparse supply of food, drink, furniture and 3-prong
outlets, but the true "Party Ferret" will rise to this challenge
and conquer it. To help, I'm buying Domino's Pizza (or whatever
can get delivered) for everyone who shows up... uh, up to about 25
people (hey, I'm on a Government salary) and, come to think of it,
there ARE some drinks in the fridge, and a case of something in
one of these closets... At any rate, once again, if you'll grace
us with your presence (or at least grace us with your presents Ah
hah HAH! <Sucking teeth>) we'd like to have ya. The details again:
Sunday, August 27.
Time: High noon! Hope to seeya there! :) So long, and drive
safely.
Dave Letterm- JOHNSON
<Band plays "House of the Rising Sun">
_________________________________________________________________
Y'know, what with all the hullabaloo about the recent anniversary
of the Moon landing, and the Voyager's final pictures, and "Lost
In Space" topping the ratings on all major networks again, we
thought it prudent to keep the public informed on the latest
future plans for NASA. Here is tonight's Top Ten List from the
home office in Tempe, Arizona.
Paul: So you're saying that NASA has ideas for the future, and
that these now will be the top TEN of those NASA plans...
That's exactly right Paul. Once again you've crystallized my
thoughts eloquently. Y'know, I have a funny feeling these Top
Ten's are wearing a bit thin... The biggest hint of that might be
the replacement of live people with just this "audience wallpaper"
all over the back walls. Anyhow, tonight's category once again,
for those who've mistakenly just tuned in:
TOP TEN NASA MISSIONS FOR THE COMING DECADE
10. CONTINUE TO DUPE POPULACE WITH THAT OLD "EARTH IS ROUND" GAG
9. LAUNCH PROBE SATELLITES TO MAP PLANETS MERCURY, PLUTO, WILLARD
8. TALK MR. UNIVERSE INTO GOING TEN ROUNDS WITH MAN-IN-THE-MOON
7. SUGGESTIVELY-SHAPED ROCKET TO SKYWRITE "RIGHT HERE WITH YOUR
BUDGET CUTS" OVER WASHINGTON D.C.
6. CHECK OUT RUMOR ABOUT BLACK MONOLITH NEAR JUPITER BEING JUST A
ROACH MOTEL
5. JOINT U.S./SOVIET MISSION TO EXPLORE POSSIBILITIES OF
"ALFBURGERS"
4. USE HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE TO WINK AT MARTIAN BABES
3. MONITOR EFFECTS OF ZERO GRAVITY ON LIQUORED-UP CHIMPS
2. NOTIFY NEIGHBORING GALAXIES THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO PAY A LOT
FOR THEIR MUFFLERS, EITHER
And the number one Top Ten NASA mission for the next decade:
1. THE BIG NITRO-BURNING FUNNYSHUTTLE EARTH-TO-SUN TRACTOR-PULL
EXPO
<Band plays excerpt from "Space Truckin">
That's it. Good night everybody.
_________________________________________________________________
-nd so you see, I had already pushed 11, then she gets on and
pushes 7. All I did was just perk up and say "Hey look, we're
going to 7-11! Sure hope the Slurpee machine's working!" and for
that, BAM! <smacks fist into hand>, just decks me. Dazed I was.
And stunned, to boot. Did I deserve that? Was the joke that bad?
Paul: Well, you know. Maybe it was her time of the month or
something...
Well, NO! <Getting flustered>... what, right there in the
elevator?
Paul: <Laughs> Evidently she WAS a little upset already, though,
right? Like a bad day at work or somethin-
See that's what I'm thinking. She just got bumped from a position
at NBC or something. Big demotion, and she has a choice now: NBC
page or Vice President of G.E. That must be it. I don't envy the
poor woman.
Paul: <Laughs> Well, why, exactly? I mean, if YOU had to choose
between a job as a page or a G.E. executive, what would you take?
Uhhh, cyanide. Definitely. Quick, painless... But anyways,
that's where I spent my week off: just sitting in bed, my face
swollen like a pumpkin. However I hear you made it out to see your
parents.
Paul: That is true, sir. Spent my week in Thunder Bay with the
folks.
And I know Morty went somewhere, and our Stage Manager, Biff
Henderson... Now, when you go away on vacation, you can't take
your dog with you, right? (Just play along on this, Paul.)
Paul: Ahhh, my DOG? Well, yes, that is absolutely correct. And
so sometimes I have to leave him in a KENNEL when I go away
on a trip.
Well now don't go reading ahead... Okay, so, now that you've
brought up dogs and kennels, it just so happens that for your
information, I have here some little-known but startling facts to
enlighten you as to what you're forcing your poor dog to go
through on such occasions.
Paul: My heavens. If I had only known BEFORE what wa-
Nevermind, Paul; it's far, far too late to apologize now. Ahhh,
from the home office in Lincoln, Nebraska, the category of
tonight's Top Ten List:
TOP TEN COMPLAINTS OF DOGS IN KENNELS
10. SCENT-MARKING RECEPTIONIST'S DESK GOES UNAPPRECIATED
9. BRUISED MALE EGO/FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY FOR HAVING SHORTEST
TAIL
8. NEWSPAPER ON CAGE FLOOR IS MISSING SPORTS SECTION
7. DIFFICULT TO HORDE ENOUGH BISCUITS TO SWAP FOR A CARTON OF
SMOKES
6. TUG-OF-WAR USING A DACHSHUND IS CONSIDERED A PUNISHABLE
OFFENSE
5. WAS NEVER GIVEN A CHANCE TO LOOK UP "NEUTER"
4. KNOCKING OVER TUB OF WATER SEEMS ONLY TO DELAY BATH, NOT
PREVENT IT
3. VETERINARIAN'S FINGERS WITH THOSE HARD-TO-DIGEST RINGS
2. AFTER 200-HOUR GROUP BARKATHON, MEANING OF LIFE STILL
UNRESOLVED
And the number one top ten complaints of dogs in kennels:
1. BEING "COLD-NOSED" WHERE YOU LEAST EXPECT IT
<Band plays excerpt from "Black Dog">
By the way, this reminds me of something. A couple of years ago I
had a myna bird. You could teach it all these cute little
phrases. Y'know, "Polly want a cracker", "Hello, how are you",
uhhh, "Steinbrenner sucks", that type of thing. It was just great;
the bird would pick up anything... I have to leave for a trip to
California, so I leave the bird with my next-door neighbor for
like, I dunno, ten days...
Paul: Yeah...?
So when I get back, I swear to God, the only thing it would ever
say for the rest of it's life was "Shut that bird up; so help me
I'm gonna kill that bird if it doesn't shut up." Sounded just
like the guy's wife. Oh, also the beak was on upside-down, too,
when I got it back... I have no idea how that happened, and
probably don't want to know...
Ahem, well, we'll take advantage of this lull in the show to do a
commercial. Do come on back if you can...
<Band plays off with "Vacation">
_________________________________________________________________
I dunno about tonight's Top Ten list <looking it over> ... The
writers are still on strike, Morty? <Mumblings from off-camera>
Well how long have they been back? <Camera cuts to Robert Morton>
Morty: Months and months, now.
Yeah but when are they going to start writing again? <Camera cuts
back> For OUR show? I mean, we are still "ponyin' up the dough"
for this stuff? ... Anyhow, I'm washing my hands of responsibility
for this one. The mechanics say there's something wrong with the
plane, but I'm takin' her up anyway. You better cover me, Paul.
Ahhh, here now is tonight's Top Ten list, from the Home Office in
Lincoln, Nebraska. Tonight's category: Top Ten U.F.O. pranks of
1989. You know, we've been having loads of problems with these
things. There's some guy now who says he's regularly visited by
alien creatures... I dunno, he pays 'em for yardwork or
something. Uh, anyway, he's been selling books about it, and just
making gobs of dough like you wouldn't believe. And now the claim
is that the C.I.A. is admitting they covered up some sort of
U.F.O. crash back in the forties, and now it's a big issue again
suddenly... right, Paul? <Camera cut to Paul, drinking from
styrofoam cup, distracted>
Paul: <Grabbing microphone> I couldn't agree with you more. On
that hot issue.
<Laugh> ... MAN... let's just sell the show to "Beatrice" and call
it a life. All right, let's get it over with. Tonight's Top Ten:
TOP TEN U.F.O. PRANKS OF 1989
10. CATTLE DISSECTED FOR EXPERIMENTS FOUND REASSEMBLED AS BIG
MOOING OLIVE LOAF
See, now, right away: "Big, MOOING, olive loaf." Ya wait 2 years
for tickets to the show, and you get "big mooing olive loaf." (Or
I suppose you could wait 10 minutes in line at the NBC
commisary...) <Signals from off-camera> I know, keep it moving.
Ahhh, number NINE:
9. KIDNAPPED WWII PILOTS ARE RETURNED DRESSED AS CAST OF "CATS"
8. BAT SIGNAL CROSSED OUT, REPLACED WITH AUNT JEMIMA SIGNAL
7. ROUTINELY BEAMED ELVIS DOWN TO K-MARTS TO BUY SEQUIN CAPES
6. SAUCER DISGUISED AS GOODYEAR BLIMP SNEAKS IN FREE AT BALL
GAMES
5. "JUST KIDDING" ABOUT PROMISE TO TAKE BACK SHIRLEY MACLAINE
4. IN ATTEMPT TO GET $3.00 OFF LATE PIZZA, PHONED DOMINO'S FROM
CRAB NEBULA
3. FLYING AHEAD OF STEALTH BOMBER, BROADCASTING "HEY, HERE IT
COMES!"
2. USED FIENDISH MAGNETO RAY TO PUT CARL SAGAN'S YUGO IN TOW-AWAY
ZONES
And the number one top ten U.F.O. prank of 1989:
1. MOTHERSHIP HOVERS OUTSIDE NATIONAL ENQUIRER HEADQUARTERS, 100
MARTIANS GIVE "THE TENTICLE" TO STUNNED REPORTERS
<Band plays excerpt from "Ship of Fools">
<Throwing Top Ten through window> That's our season finale,
folks. Tomorrow this time, it'll be wrestling. Goodniiight!
Uhhh, okay... we'll be back after you take a look at this...
_________________________________________________________________
<Late Night theme music & montage start>...
Bill Wendell: From New York, where you can get a hot dog for 3
bucks, or get dogs hot just by wearing Cher's new perfume, it's
Late Night With David Johnson. Tonight: Larry King, Tracy Ullman,
and sportscaster Marv Albert, and, The World's Most Dangerous
Band...
And now, a man who's own alter-ego is suing for plagiarism,
Daaaavvvvvviiiiiiiidddddd
Joohhhhhnnnnnnsssssoooooonnnnn...
<Applause, various camera shots of Dave walking out on set, theme
music draws to an end, amidst more applause>
Hold it! That's it. Thank you very much. Thank you. Welcome to
tonight's show. I'll be your host for the next 60 minutes of
tag-team wrestling. Thank you very much. Ahhh, didja hear this on
the news tonight? Apparently, some wise guy, a hood, perhaps, a
ne'er-do-well, was arrested today for starting a panic in one of
the cinemas downtown. At first, the police had thought he had
yelled "fire," which of course is illegal; uhhh, but as it turns
out they had to let him go, because he had only screamed out
"President Quayle."
Paul: <Laughs> I think a friend of mine got his car overturned in
that thing.
<Grins> Oh yeah? Mob just dumped 'im over, huh? Well, I tellya,
speaking of cars... I'm stuck in this awful carpool now, and-
Paul: Wait a minute! You don't mean to say that you're no longer
driving yourself to work these days...?
<Hesitating> Errr, well, I'm a new member of GreenPeace now; and
in an effort to cut down on fossil fuel consumption... y'know...
<Gives dubious look to camera> So anyways, I'm in a carpool with
about 6 G.E. executives, and today one of 'em is asking me whether
the clocks are set forward this month, or back, and I go, "Well, I
think you're supposed to set your clock back," and so the guy then
asks, "Well, what happens if you forgot where ya had it last?"
<Drummer crashes cymbals, audience sighs>
And so you SEE... The guy just didn't know where to... (Ahem)
Ahhh, oh! This is interesting: Today Mayor Ed Koch proposed that
the inscription that goes along with the Statue of Liberty be
amended to reflect more of the attitude of our fine city... The
new inscription goes, ahhh, "Give me your poor, your tired, your
huddled masses... and I'll call 'em a cab the hell outta here." IS
Koch still the Mayor? I lose track of these things after awhile.
I mean, the guy's been Mayor since, well, since New York, New York
was just New York, right? Anyways, say hello to our good friend,
Mr. Paul Shaffer, ladies and gentlemen.
<Applause. Dave walks to desk as camera cuts to band, then Paul>
Paul: That's amazing. Right there on Liberty Island.
<Camera cuts back> That's right Paul. What IS this world coming
to... I dunno.
Paul: ...About a dollar ninety-eight, I think.
Let's get going with the show. We got a big program, lots to do,
and nobody cancelled.
Paul: So you're saying Marv was called again on short notice
because of another no-show?
Ah, yeah. No! Of COURSE everyone's here who was supposed to be
here... Y'know, except for... no, it doesn't matter.
Paul: Cher was going to be on again?
No, look, we gotta move. Let's get right to the Top Ten list,
shall we? From the home office in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, tonight's
category: "Top Ten Perils Faced on Columbus' Journey." That's
right, we have Columbus Day coming right up, don't we? And you
folks celebrate Columbus Day in Canada as well, don't you Paul?
Paul: Ahhh, yeah. Absolutely. Lots of beer, fireworks, ahhh,
beer...
Okay, so, here we go. Uhhh, number TEN: <Drumroll begins>
TOP TEN PERILS FACED ON COLUMBUS' JOURNEY
10. LOST SLEEP WONDERING IF COFFEE POT WAS LEFT ON, HAD TO TURN
BACK AND CHECK
9. SANTA-MARIA'S SHUFFLEBOARD DECK FOUND TO BE NON-REGULATION
SIZE
8. AFTER 2 DAYS AT SEA, SHIP'S COOK LOSES THE RECIPE FOR PLANKTON
MCNUGGETS
7. MISTAKENLY CROSSED INTO LIBYAN WATERS; FOURTH SHIP GETS PEGGED
BY A MISSILE
6. THAT TIME HE GOT DRUNK, DROPPED THE PANTS AND LET "MOBY" GIVE
THE ORDERS
5. NEARLY COLLIDED WITH NORDIC SHIPS THAT WERE HEADING HOME FROM
AMERICA
4. UPON LANDING, DISCOVERED HILTON RESERVATIONS WERE MADE FOR THE
WRONG MONTH
3. SPENT ENTIRE BANKROLL IN BRIBING INDIANS TO RENAME THE CAPITAL
OF OHIO
2. GOT LOST ON RETURN TRIP IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET A PEEK OVER EDGE
OF THE WORLD
<Drumroll deepens> And the number one Top Ten peril faced by
Columbus:
1. THAT LYIN' CREW ALMOST GOT OCTOBER 12 DECLARED
"THEM-VIKINGS-WAS-FIRST DAY"
<Band plays excerpt from Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'">
Oookay, we gotta do a commercial here, and then we'll be back with
Larry King, so stick around...
_________________________________________________________________
How much time do we have? Huh? Plenty of time? Oh... Ahhh,
y'know, Paul, it IS official, now. It has to be fall, 'cause I've
got it again, and I'm not sure I'm going to make it this time.
Paul: Uh-oh...
That's right Paul, you've guessed it exactly. It's this killer
cold that just waits around until I'm feeling great, and then
boom, right for the head. It's like... if you can picture this:
It's like my skull is just packed full of tapioca pudding, and
then somehow an Alka Seltzer gets in there, and now all this
pressure is just blowing up my sinuses like a weather balloon.
Paul: Gee, that sounds-
But it doesn't matter. By now, an ordinary man, as you know,
would be pleading with the doctors for euthanasia. But I can take
it, and I got up and came in here today because, as always, I'll
do anything for the home viewers...
<Applause sign lights, audience obediently cheers>
<Grins> Thanks a LOT, Hal. No, but it's true: If I didn't have
the strength of ten men, you'd be lookin' at a dead guy now.
(Yeah, like THAT would be a change in the show...) No, but really,
I've got to look into this. What I figure is that this is the same
virus that's been around for centuries. In fact, Paul, I'll
betcha it's part of the same cold and flu strain that wiped out
Europe in the Dark Ages. <Nodding> Y'know?
Paul: Ahhh, wasn't that the bubonic plague or something?
Wellll, that's what I said. This virus was so tough it even
just... wiped out the plague, too. So there ya go.
Paul: Now that's one tough, nutty virus.
Well that's what I thought. <Pause> Hooo! It's gotten AWFULLY
quite in here, hasn't it?
Paul: ...I'm sorry, were you saying something?
<Laugh> THAT'S it, goodnight everybody! Drive safely. <Throws
studio audience a big kiss, band starts playing Late Night theme>
No, now wait a minute...! All right, let's get right to tonight's
Top Ten list. Ahhh, from the home office in Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma, the category tonight:
NEW YORK CITY'S TOP TEN FORTUNE COOKIE MESSAGES
Sure. Y'know, you go into a Chinese restaurant, you get a nice
meal, and then after dessert, or for dessert, or whatever, you get
these little wafers, these little folded things... and then you
open the cookie and throw it away and inside you get this little
amusing writing, this little piece of wisdom... A MAXIM, if you
will... "Maxim." And suddenly I'm ROGET over here. Anyhow, here
we go. Number TEN: <Drumroll begins>
10. "FRESHNESS DATE: APRIL '84"
9. "A WISE MAN WOULD GET HIS CAR OUT OF MR. GOTTI'S PARKING
SPACE. NOW"
8. "NEXT TIME MAKE IT LEE'S OF MANHATTAN. WE GOT BETTER FOOD
THAN THIS DUMP"
7. "NEW IN TOWN? FOR FREE CAB RIDES, JUST PRESENT THIS TO THE
DRIVER"
6. "THE HONEST, JUST, AND FAIR HEALTH INSPECTOR GETS TO KEEP ALL
FOUR LIMBS"
5. "BUY SOME
4. "ANCIENT MANCHURIAN PROVERB: THE ROUND EYES OF WESTERNERS CAN
SELDOM SEE MAGGOTS IN RICE"
3. "HEY GET A NAPKIN; YOU'VE GOT SOME STUFF ON YOUR LIP... OKAY,
YOU GOT IT"
2. "SAY, IS THAT AN EGGROLL IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD
TO BE HERE?"
<Drumroll deepens> And the number one fortune cookie message in
New York:
1. "CONFUCIUS SAY: THE LARGER THE TIP, THE SOONER YOU GET THE
ANTIDOTE"
<Band begins playing excerpt from "China Girl">
That's it. Ahhh, we'll be back after this break for station
identification...
_________________________________________________________________
...So I say to the wino, "Why sure, I'd be happy to give you a
dollar. But first, would mind signing my copy of Dianetics, Mr.
Hubbard?" Ah hah-HAH! Imagine that, self-help guru L. Ron
Hubbard! Hee-hee's just out of it! Eh heh HEH! <Shrugs> I
dunno. Is that it, Kevin? Ahhh, and now, folks, won't you put
your hands together and make him feel at home... Paul SHAFFER,
ladies and gentlemen.
<Applause, camera cuts to band, then Paul, as Dave goes to desk>
Paul: Thank you! Thank you very much... And y'know Dave,
<Camera cut to Dave, walking over chairs to get to desk. Cut back
to Paul>
Paul: MAYBE I'm just thinking, that the ROOMS are ALL on fire,
EVERY time that YOU walk in the room!
Why thank you, Paul! <Shuffling papers> I've no idea what he's
talking about.
Paul: It's that hot Stevie Nicks thing you hear all over.
Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. Now, can you get her
on the show?
Paul: Welll, not exactly. But we are trying.
Well we've been trying for, oooh... why it must be coming up on 16
years, now. But it's this Weasel Record Management she's under.
They refuse to let her on, even though they know full well the
feelings... the feelings I have for Stevie! <Gettting all choked
up> Which reminds me, I was looking at MTV this past weekend, and
noticed that our old buddy Mark Goodman isn't a VJ on the show
anymore. Remember him?
Paul: Yeah, I hadn't noticed.
You know what happened to him, don't ya? Uhhh, apparently he was
walking down 42nd street, about 2 in the morning, when he was
waylaid into an alley and ravaged by poodles.
Paul: <Laughs> Well he DID have that nutty, curly hairdo, didn't
he?
Oh it was in all the tabloids. They lured him in there with some
Final Net or something... And by the way, you know who's on MTV
now? It was nuts: I turn it on, and some woman is there,
jello-wrestling with Alice Cooper... and it was Tipper Gore. Yep.
She's got a new show on there now, "Just Say Tippy." (And I think
in all likelihood she was, just a little. <Makes drinking
gestures>)
Paul: Ahhh! Ahh hah hah! So it was Tipper Gore, JELLO-WRESTLING,
with none other than Alice Cooper himself.
That's right, Paul. I'm tellin' ya, that channel is on it's last
legs, it's outta here, it's a ghost... I know I'm selling off MY
stock anyways. <Pause, looks into camera> He was ravaged by
poodles! Uhhh, anyhow... now what do we do? Top Ten? <Mumblings
from off-camera> Huh? Top Ten. Ahhh, here now, from the home
office in Milwaukee, tonight's Top Ten category: "Top ten new
strategies in the battle between Coke and Pepsi." (And for my
money, there never can be too many whiny cola commercials on T.V.)
Here we go... number TEN: <Drumroll begins>
TOP TEN NEW STRATEGIES IN THE BATTLE BETWEEN COKE AND PEPSI
10. COKE SHIFTS PUBLIC DISAPPROVAL OF "NEW COKE" BY RENAMING IT
"NEW PEPSI"
9. IN FINE AREA RESTAURANTS, PEPSI IS SECRETLY SUBSTITUTED FOR
THE BRAND OF COFFEE NORMALLY SERVED
8. COKE RELEASES COMMERCIAL OF MICHAEL JACKSON SLAPPING TIGERS,
GETTING MAULED
7. PEPSI'S "1-800-WHISPER" LINE: CALLERS WIN PRIZES FOR BLACKMAIL
INFO ON COKE
6. EACH COMPANY ACCUSES THE OTHER OF USING REAL INGREDIENTS FOUND
IN NATURE
5. RED CROSS AGREES TO START USING DIET COKE INSTEAD OF BLOOD FOR
TRANSFUSIONS
4. PEPSI MAKES NEW JINGLE: "DRINK A COKE EVERY DAY, WATCH YOUR
TEETH GO AWAY"
3. COKE EXECUTIVES DRESS UP IN BIG PEPSI BOTTLE COSTUMES, THEN
USE RAKES TO CHASE LITTLE KIDS OFF PLAYGROUNDS
2. PEPSI BRIBES CANNERY WORKERS TO LABEL COKES WITH "FREE
PANCREAS INSIDE!!"
<Audience groans, jeers>
...You babies!
<Drumroll deepens>
And the number one top ten new strategy in the war between Coke
and Pepsi:
1. BOTH FINALLY GIVE UP AND CONFESS THAT IN NATIONWIDE TASTE
TESTS, MORE PEOPLE ACTUALLY PREFER SNAIL GLUE TO EITHER ONE OF 'EM
<Band plays excerpt from Cream's "Strange Brew">
That's right kids, Elvis Has Left The Building. We'll be right
back, so stick around...
_________________________________________________________________
<Coming back from commercial, band is playing "It's the End of the
World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)">
Hi, and welcome back to the program. Did you enjoy your week off,
Paul? Go anywhere, do anything?
Paul: Yeah, not too bad, I suppose; if you call "frantically
looking for a new job in this cold, heartless city" an enjoyable
time... And this reminds me: Since this IS our LAST night on the
show, and seeing as how we're just being DUMPED by the WAYSIDE, by
this HIDEOUS, MONEY-GRUBBING, ABOMINATION we call a NETWORK, I
say, hey, screw the damn show, and LET'S TRASH THIS PLACE.
<Applause, Paul comes out from behind piano wielding a sledge
hammer, band starts destroying their instruments, spray-painting
graffiti on the walls and floor, knocking over chairs, busting
props. Anton rips out Dave's desk microphone>
Paul! Paul, hey wait a second! Hey! Boys! Hey! It's... it's
only ME who's leaving, y'see. This was only a temporary gig for
me. YOU guys can still have your regular jobs! Everything's
okay, really!
Paul: ...Oh. Ahhh, in that case, forget all that stuff we just
did.
(Oh, if only I could. That and the last 9 shows...) I mean, "Why
SURE, Paul." Ahhh, at any rate, my week went pretty well. I spent
my time perfecting a nifty trick. What you do is, you take a
wide, black magic marker, then you put like an X, a big X on your
forehead, and then you go out to shopping malls and you pretend
like you've just had a lobotomy. Y'know, tell people you meet
about it, maybe slur your speech a little... I tellya, the looks
you get are just priceless.
Paul: <Laughs> So that's how you spent your week? You know, you
still haven't indicated just what YOU plan to do once you leave
the show...
Will Lee: Finish 4th Grade?
Huh? "Finish Fourth Grade?" Ah hah-hah haaahhh! <Turning to
audience> Annnd folks, do be sure to leave off your bass-player
application cards as you exit. No, actually I hear that Ernest
Borgnine is still looking for someone to shave his back twice a
day, so maybe... Uhhh, but anyways, we only have a few minutes
left in the show, so let's get right into tonight's Top Ten List.
Oh and look, topical as today's headlines, the category tonight is
"Top ten reasons why this is the last Top Ten List."
Paul: "Top ten reasons why this is the last Top Ten List."
That's right, Ed. Here we go. Number TEN:
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THIS IS THE LAST TOP TEN LIST
10. CESSATION OF TOP TENS IS FOUNDATION OF LATEST ARMS TREATY WITH
THE SOVIETS
9. THERE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH ROOM IN MY DISPLAY CASE FOR ONE MORE
EMMY
8. SATANIC PUNKS READ TOP TENS BACKWARDS, SUMMONING ELVIS' GHOST
AT ALL HOURS
7. LATELY I'VE BEEN ISSUED TICKETS IN DOWNTOWN DC BY CONNECTICUT
STATE POLICE
6. WITH QUAYLE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, ALL OTHER JOKES PALE IN
COMPARISON
5. GOT TO MAKE ROOM ON THE SHOW FOR NEW SEGMENT: "G.E.'S
CAVALCADE O' WEENIES"
4. NOW THAT CHER AND I ARE HITCHED, I'LL BE SPENDING MY DAYS
PUSHING PERFUME
3.
Paul: Now hold on a minute! <Grins> You and Cher! Are married!
Why, I had no idea.
Well, neither did she. Had to get her doped-up first. (And that
was a pretty short trip, ah hah HAH! <Sucking teeth>...) Anyways,
I can see it now: She'll be out on tour in her little see-through
leather harness or whatever it is, while I'm at home, going
door-to-door, trying to sell off all those cases of perfume in the
basement. Oh and y'know, I bought a bottle of that stuff up to the
office a few days ago, and just to try it out, squirted a little
on the wrist of Laurie, my assistant. Next thing I know, the smoke
alarm goes off and the sprinklers came on.
Paul: You don't say!
And of course with the fire alarm going, everyone had to clear the
building... You remember that, Paul: 30 Rock was down for like a
day and a half, right? Worst of all, poor Laurie wound up with a
rash. And me with no lotion!
Hal Gurnee: Number three, Dave.
I know! I know! Ahhh, number three:
3. PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO TOP TENS MAY CAUSE DIZZINESS, NAUSEA AND
HAIR LOSS
2. OUR COPY OF "SLAPPY WHITE'S 101 CHEAP GAGS" IS OVERDUE AT THE
LIBRARY
<Drumroll deepens>
And the number one top ten reason why this is the last Top Ten
List:
1. OW! LETTERMAN WON'T LET ME OUTTA THIS HAMMERLOCK 'TIL I
PROMISE TO QUIT!
<Band plays excerpt from ZZ Top's "Got Me Under Pressure">
(Huh? That's it? We're outta time?) Ahhh, okay, that's it. My
thanks to Paul Shaffer and the band: Will Lee, Anton Fig, Sid
Vicious, <mumblings from off-camera> I'm sorry, I got the name
wrong? It's not Sid? <Laughs> I know, I'm sorry... Ahhh, also
our Producer, Robert Morton, Hal Gurnee, Bill Wendell... and Jerry
Mathers as the Acid Queen. <Confused look, shrugs> I dunno. Oh,
wait, just one last thing before we go... Morty. C'mon, do "I
Walk the Line", willya? <Camera cut to Robert Morton, dressed
almost like Johnny Cash>
Robert Morton: <Interrupting phone call in the middle> I don't
think so.
No c'mon! We got 20 seconds left. <Audience starts yelling
encouragement>
Morty: <Pauses, sighs... sings out:> "I walk the line!"
YEAH! <Explosive applause> YEAH!!!
Paul: Yaaaaahhhh!
Now THAT'S entertainment, folks. You can't possibly leave here
tonight thinking you got less than your money's worth! Ahhh,
that's it, we're through here. Have a good weekend...
<More coached applause, band plays off with Late Night theme>